I grew up believing a relationship with the opposite sex was essential for survival in my life. That’s what we are born for, right? You grow up, get married, have a family and voilà! Happy ever after!! If only it were that simple. I soon learned how misguided that idea was on all levels after years and years of failed relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in the beauty of a life partner, but my core value to measure the quality of that relationship has drastically changed and is now based on autonomy, not survival.
Some may think autonomy in a relationship can be a sign of an unhappy partnership. Speaking for myself, an autonomous relationship means having the freedom to grow as a person without any hindrance from my significant other. Yes, it sounds selfish, but if you look at it in another way, it can be the healthiest decision a couple could make in their relationship.
Seek a mirror, find yourself
What if I told you that when you and your partner share the same goals autonomy comes natural? You won’t have the urge to spend time apart, because the relationship organically becomes the place that both of you return to center yourselves while pursuing your own goals.
If you are lucky enough to find yourself a partner who mirrors your own ambitions, your lives become in sync with one another allowing positive energy to flow into the relationship. Both individuals are understanding of the needed support that the other person needs to flourish. It’s a process that happens naturally, because each person is receiving fulfillment from their own goals, which spills over into the relationship. There’s nothing more gratifying than when your life partner is at the end of the finish line with a big “high five” to celebrate your victory!
If you swim against the current be prepared to drown…
A year ago, I decided I needed time away from my three-year relationship to evaluate areas of my life before walking down the isle. My partner and I we’re not on the same page in terms of goals for our future. Unknowingly, autonomy had always been a big part of who I was. I was born with a love of personal development and pursuing goals. He, on the other hand, enjoys the peace and calm of the mundane. He’s never really shared future goals or achievements he’d like to pursue with me, and, often, mocked my desire to do so. During the course of our relationship, emotions I buried throughout my life began to surface. I was determined to find the root cause.
During my quest of self exploration, I met parts of myself that had gone undiscovered. What I learned from this experience, is that for a big part of my life I have swam against other peoples current. I had never been in sync with my environment, which was never supportive to my autonomy. Therefore, I had never felt fulfilled. This was spilling over into my relationship. Since we did not share the same ambitions, we were swimming in opposite directions. I became so focused on pulling him into my own current that I lost my autonomy swimming against his. It’s impossible to become in sync with each other’s lives if there are different end goals in mind. I have concluded that either one of us will have to completely let go of who we truly are to save the relationship or we need to set ourselves free to find a more organic partner that mirrors what we want in our lives.
Shared pursuits feeds the soul
A few weeks back, a friend came to visit me. I noticed something different about her appearance. I knew she had recently started a new job and I assumed her “glow” was due, in part, to the joy of her new position. She informed me that she had met a new beau through a work colleague. She raved on how natural and easy the new relationship felt. They were both working towards similar certifications in their careers. She said they shared a love for reading and enjoyed studying together. She was enthusiastic about the idea that they are traveling in the same life direction. The relationship supports the growth of both her and her new partner in an autonomous way, while nurturing the bond between them. They are aligning with one another and will eventually sync. Positive energy is flowing between the two of them so effortlessly that even her appearance is changing. How powerful is that???
The journey is easy when traveling the same direction…
I am not claiming that everyone should end their relationship if there are no shared goals. I am just saying traveling through life with the same end result in mind sure makes things a lot more fun! My advice is to, at the very least, search for common ambitions between the two of you. If you can’t find them, seeking outside help to create shared goals for your lives may not be a bad idea. Autonomy can happily reside inside of your relationship as it does outside of it. Matter of fact, it could very well be it’s saving grace.
Mirror, Mirror on my futures wall…
I, for one, have made a commitment to myself to only pursue relationships that align with my own life ambitions. I believe that when we are supportive of each other’s goals and allow room for personal growth, the relationship becomes naturally fulfilling. The easiest way for that to happen for me is to find the person that mirrors what I want for my life.
Sweet child, be free.
Signing off with love, D