“How do I stop spinning the same wheel?”
Have you noticed a common pattern in your life where it seems you just keep spinning the same wheel over and over again, getting the same results? It feels as though life can can get stuck on repeat. It’s a place where you get the sinking feeling that this is just the life you’re stuck with. You begin to accept this as your reality. I am here to tell you that you are feeding yourself a lie that we all get caught in at one time or another.
“If this is going to work, I have got to acknowledge where my weakest areas are and strengthen them.”
Last year, I found myself in panic mode because my entire support system disappeared while I was in the middle of building a new business. My son, Grayson, has a few minor attention and sensory challenges and his dad decided he needed to move home, 1 1/2 hours away. This meant that I was going to have to figure out how to balance the pressures of this new business while being a solid support system for Gray all by myself.
I remember saying to myself, “If this is going to work, I have got to acknowledge where my weakest areas are and strengthen them.” In other words, create business and household systems that will be supportive of our success. I went through my entire house and gave EVERYTHING a home. I created a parent command center. I planned out a structured routine for every area of our life so that we would still have the quality time together. It was the most successful plan I had ever created.
During this time, I began to get sick. I experienced unexplainable exhaustion and stomach challenges. I went to the doctor and requested bloodwork, which showed nothing abnormal. As time progressed, I was becoming more and more emotional. Certain areas of my life would trigger breakdowns.
“If I’m knocked down, I get right back up and push harder.”
I ran across some information on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The symptoms that I was having were listed plain as day in this pamphlet. I knew that my life hadn’t always been easy. I had accepted that parts of me had been broken because of this. Little did I know, that by trying to “fix” organizational issues in my life, I was unconsciously reprogramming parts of my brain that had been delayed over the course of my life.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fighter. If I’m knocked down, I get right back up and push harder . Accepting this diagnosis was a hit to my pride because I felt that it labeled me weak. However, that didn’t mean I was going to sit back and accept it without a fight.
“This is where my journey of a lifetime began.”
I read that it’s a “fixable” disorder. Through cognitive behavior therapy I would be able to reprogram my brain. However, in order to do this, I would have to do some uncomfortable work on myself. Meaning, I was going to have to take a walk down memory lane through every troubling experience in my life and I was going to have to “reparent” myself through them to learn positive response reflexes. This is where my journey of a lifetime began.
Through every negative experience that I continue to work through, I meet a different part of myself that I would’ve never known had I not gotten real with myself and faced my own issues. Isnt it funny how working on being a better person for our children can heal broken parts of our character?
“There are messages inside the wheel you keep spinning“
Sometimes, I feel as though God has given me permission to lay my cross down. I feel more spiritually free than I ever have in my life. What’s crazy is that I still face many of the same struggles I had before, except the weight of them aren’t quite as heavy. If anything, the inspire me to work harder.
You never know what journey you will be called to take. There is no roadmap leading you to your destination. However, there are messages inside the wheel you keep spinning. You just have to pay attention to the lesson it keeps trying to display for you. You will repeat the same cycle over and over again until you learn what is needed to be learned. You just have to have the courage to tell yourself that this is not the way your life is supposed to go. Then you must find the strength to do something about it.
Sweet child, be free.