Today’s post has a slightly different structure. There will be no fancy headings or pictures, just words. I have had a very rough two weeks, and I felt the need to change it up for a second to simply share real, naked, and raw thoughts…
I am strong, yes, but I am tired. I am the spiritual leader, yes, but, right now, I need someone else to take the wheel. I am a warrior, yes, but everyone deserves to rest. I am a fighter, yes, but, Lord, I need you to take over, because my spirit is a little weary, right now, and I don’t know where else to go. Whether I like it or not, I am alone in this journey and, I know, I can’t be the only woman out there that feels this way.
I have been surrounded by men my entire life. I was raised with 3 older brothers and birthed 2 boys. My family rarely produces females. So, it should come as no surprise that I struggle to find my place as a woman in a world surrounded by testosterone. There comes a time, though, when a woman just needs to be a woman. I don’t want to have to be so tough. I don’t want to have to be the only one with answers, anymore. Sometimes, I just want to be the woman who is led, instead of the woman who is leading.
As much as I want to blame one particular person, I can’t. Women, WE have done this to ourselves! WE have fought so hard to be “equal” and, yet, here we are.. becoming the men of our households. This may be a trophy for some, but I can tell you that, sitting from where I am sitting, it’s a shameful failure on our part.
There was a time when a woman didn’t have to carry the burdens of the world, as well as the home. There was a time where a mom could focus on the emotional needs of her children, because her husband took the front seat. There was a time when discipline in the household could be consistent, because someone was consistently home to follow through. There was a time when our roles were defined and one person was not doing the pushing and pulling. There was a time when the family was an actual unit.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining about my husband. I love him more than anything in this world, and as I have stated before, I am incredibly lucky because he helps me tremendously, when he is home. I am just struggling with the bigger picture. I have, literally, exhausted every effort to look for support, and, Lord, I don’t feel very supported right now. If anything, I am just fighting through disappointment and discouragement in flawed human nature.
With the rise of internet filth at the touch of a button, it is exhausting to micromanage a house full of men and their daily internet travels. Living in a society that has completely done away with gender roles, a woman has to, now, figure out how to teach a man to lead, without turning into the leader. With the explosion of childhood suicide and self mutilation, it is utterly heartbreaking to coach your child through middle school, while keeping guard for these warning signs when he feels that he just doesn’t quite fit in. With the speed of today’s society, it is nearly impossible for a woman to remain emotionally stable during the ups and downs of life, while balancing the roles of mom, dad, husband, wife, coach, cheerleader, problem solver, self esteem builder, pancake maker, homework tutor, disciplinarian, boss, employee, servant…. need I go on?
I don’t know how to describe the exhaustion that I am experiencing right now, other than saying…. Jesus, us women need you. We are feeling very alone and we don’t want to anymore. Our husbands need you. Our sons, very desperately, need you. We can’t do this without you, Lord. We need rest, and we can only find that in You. Can you please just step in? Can you send them support, Lord, because women stepping into a man’s shoes is not the answer, Jesus. You are.
Sweet child, live free.